Isn't That the Bad Guy?
by AJlovesKakashi
Summary: He was supposed to be dead. She was just going to enjoy a nice dip in the hot spring after a trying mission. Throw in a slightly abused Sasuke and a crazy author and you get a hilarious bout of trouble!


Heheh…yes…I'm on a weird pairing Fanfic writing spree. This should be both small and random, as I have no actual plot organized for human consumption. Heheh…this is my evil laugh.

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Warnings: I will say this once, this is a total crack fic. I know I don't have all my facts because I'm not caught up with the manga. It features minor Sasuke bashing, but he deserves it.

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Disclaimer: I cannot claim to own Naruto. I do not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not own Naruto.

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Isn't he the Bad Guy?

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Sakura was minding her own business when he appeared. She had just finished her mission and was heading into a hot spring to enjoy her evening. It was a very nice neighborhood, one where trouble wouldn't be likely. It was filled with the affluent and wealthy of this particular village.

Her partner, Sasuke, had already taken off to the hot spring, but she'd been tied up talking to the rich man who'd hired them for this escort mission. She felt oddly at peace considering the hell the ninja world had been through only a few months ago. But she had no reason not to feel at peace; Sasuke was back and Uchiha Madara was dead. Or so they thought.

"Hello, miss. How may I help you?" The friendly looking attendant smiled. She had brown hair and glasses, and although rather pretty, no one really knew why she was working at this particular establishment.

"I need a room, please." Sakura smiled.

"Um…one second." The brown-haired girl frowned, "I'm sorry, we're overbooked."

"My partner was here earlier. He was about this tall," Sakura held her hand above her head, "with dark hair. He's a ninja."

The girl thought for a second, "Oh, right! I remember him! No problem! Here's the key. You're in room 102." The girl handed Sakura the key and waved slowly as Sakura walked away. "Heheh…" she chuckled.

"That went well." Sakura said to herself aloud. Sakura smiled and made her way to her room. She dropped her pack in one corner of the room and headed to the bathroom. She stripped off her training clothes and put on the yukata provided. With a final knot in the obi, Sakura left the room and began the journey to the women's baths.

Once securely in the bath, she allowed herself to relax. She'd been nothing but a ball of stress the entire mission, due to the fact that it was Sasuke's first mission since he'd been accepted back into Konoha. She had let go of her feelings for him a while ago, but it didn't change the tension between them. She had originally wondered why she had been chosen of all people to work with him, but she knew that she was the Hokage's apprentice and one of the few Shinobi that could put up with him.

"Did you see that guy? He was sooooo….hot!" One of the annoyingly chattering girls in the bath screeched, bringing Sakura out of her thoughts.

"I know, right? That dark hair! That body! He's gorgeous!" Another annoying girl yelled at her friend. Sakura had to wonder, what was it with rich, teenage civilian girls that made them so damn annoying? But she did listen to the conversation, no matter how annoying it was.

"Did you catch his last name?" One of the more shy girls asked her loud friend.

"I did!" She nodded frantically, "Uchiha-san."

"Do you think he's a shinobi or something?" One girl gossiped.

_'Seriously? Is there anywhere Sasuke goes where cackling little girls don't surround him?'_ Sakura thought angrily.

"Do you think he'd be interested in sleeping with us?" A loud girl babbled.

Sakura couldn't take it. She stood up abruptly, "Have any of you ever thought about how fucking annoying you are? Why would anyone, especially a Shinobi with heightened senses, want to sleep with you?" She left the dumbfounded girls behind and walked straight out of the hot spring. She retied her yukata and stormed back to the room. Not even an all expense paid trip to a hot spring was worth being around those terrible girls. She dug through her bag, pulled out a novel and plopped herself on the bed with a huff. "Goddamn annoying females! Seriously! Sheesh! Everyone is so annoying!" she muttered angrily. As she began to read, the muttering died down and her eyes began to droop. She barely managed to shut the book before she finally lost consciousness and lay sprawled over the bed.

-o0-

Madara had been enjoying freedom when she showed up. Of course he recognized her instantly, how many times had Sasuke brought her up? Too many. He'd gotten back from the hot spring, relaxed and ready for a light novel and rest. He'd walked into his room to see her on the bed. _'Pink hair? Who the fuck has pink-oh, shit.'_ Madara thought unhappily.

He carefully located her bag and dug through, locating her mission scroll. Upon reading that her mission was an escort mission and not an advance party to destroy him, he visibly relaxed. She wouldn't recognize him, he was sure. Madara had found a useful (and effective) anti-aging jutsu. He was twenty-three. No, he didn't _appear_ twenty-three. He _was _twenty-three. He was filled with youthful energy and an immaturity he hadn't felt in years. That didn't mean he wasn't strong though, he had all his jutsu and knowledge at his disposal.

Quickly, Madara pulled out the ninja info cards he'd stolen from Kabuto a while back and dug through until he found her picture. She had three cards he'd noticed, one from when she was a Genin, Chunin, and a current Jonin card. _'A Jonin…interesting.'_ He thought briefly. He looked at her statistics, "Kabuto, you are the most helpful pawn I've ever worked with. 'Impressive strength and knowledge of Medical Ninjutsu.' That could be useful." Madara set the cards down and entered the bathroom. His breath caught at the sight of his young body; it was always a shock to see the lack of scars and burns. He leaned into the mirror closely, looking at his eyes. Recently, they'd been giving him trouble and he'd chalked it up to the fact that the final battle with the ninja world had been extremely fierce, but lately he'd been having trouble activating it to it's full potential.

"Well, I'll have to make sure to keep her for a while. She picked the wrong room to sleep in." Madara said as he began to mess with his hair in the mirror. _'My part is to the side, not the freaking middle!' _he thought as he grabbed for a comb and began to brush his dark locks to their proper place. That was another advantage to the anti-aging jutsu, he had his glorious hair back.

After grooming himself to perfection, he went back into the bedroom and peered at the pink-haired girl. "Haruno Sakura." He muttered as he grabbed the discarded ninja info cards. He then went back to her mission scroll and looked for the name of her partner, there had to be a reason such a formidable kunoichi had such an easy mission. "Uchiha Sasuke, oh shit." Madara sighed, "Why does everything have to be so complicated?"

Madara sighed again, it was time to confront her. He set the mission scroll neatly, exactly as he had found it, back into her bag. He crept back to the bed and gently poked her shoulder. Sakura grunted and turned over, causing her yukata to slip slightly down her shoulder. Madara tried hard not to stare, but he was twenty-three…

Madara nudged her shoulder again and this time she murmured a "Go away, Sasuke, you dumbass." If Madara weren't a mass murderer who didn't want this girl to wake up violently, he would have laughed.

He nudged her again and in his best Sasuke impersonation said, "Wake up, Sakura."

"I'll fucking kill you." She murmured and turned over again, making the yukata to slip even further.

'Why in God's blessed name did Sasuke leave her behind? She's hot and fiery even when she's sleeping!' Madara thought, making a conscious effort to keep his hand near her shoulder. "It's not Sasuke."

That woke her up. She sat up quickly, making her light headed, "Where's Sasuke?"

"I don't know, I woke up to find you in my room, miss." Madara changed his tone slightly to resemble his idiot disguise, Tobi.

"I'm sorry, the girl at the front office gave me the key to this room based off of my description of my partner." Sakura scratched the back of her head, which lifted the yukata to show the higher part of her leg, Madara noticed.

"No, no, it's fine. It happens." Madara walked to the window and looked out to Sasuke was standing on the sidewalk in front of the building, a hoard of girls circling him like prey. "You can stay here if you like, I know how booked they were."

"Thank you. I appreciate it." She smiled. "That jerk, Sasuke, left me to talk with the creepy, rich guy who requested our mission, so I didn't know if he had already gotten a room or anything."

"Why didn't you just use your chakra to find him?" Madara watched as Sasuke down on the street was desperately looking around, attempting to find an escape.

"Well, I'm out of chakra. I had to heal the stupid client guy because he fell down the stairs and broke not only both legs, but also both arms. Sasuke pushed him, so I had to make an example before the client refused to pay us. I exhausted myself beating his face in." Sakura crossed her arms at the memory.

"Oh, that must've been tiring." Madara watched as Sasuke was tackled by one of the hormonal girls.

"Well, he's gotten a lot stronger since he first left. His Sharringan is more powerful for sure, but he also uses a lot of creepy techniques. It's pretty freaky when he uses a snake to tie you to a tree." Sakura shuddered.

At the mention of the 'Sharringan', Madara turned back to face her. "So," he leaned against the wall, "do you always tell strangers everything?"

"No, not really. I was just sure you knew all of this, Uchiha Madara." Sakura dropped her innocent façade and smirked. "The hair was a dead give away. I've been to the Final Valley before."

"I'm shocked that you would recognize me." Madara raised an eyebrow.

"It was simple. I was Sasuke's teammate and I had a huge crush on him at one point, of course I would sneak into the Uchiha compound when he left. In retrospect, it was a huge mistake, because I learned about a lot of things I wasn't happy to know."

"Like what?" Madara tilted his head.

"The history. The massacre. The Sharringan. Pretty much whatever I could get my hands on. I just feel really sorry for Itachi. He was more loyal than a lot of ninja, but he had to live his life the way he did all for the sake of Sasuke." Sakura looked morose, "I feel sad for him. He never even got to live his own life."

"It was the Senju. It was always the Senju making the Uchiha suffer." Madara cursed.

"Bull! Just because you feel hatred towards one family, doesn't mean they're all the same! Tsunade Shishou has been nothing but kind towards Sasuke. She accepted him back with only the condition that he not take missions for a few months and go through an interrogation. Considering what Sasuke has done, it was pretty freaking generous! Not to mention, after Sasuke ran away, Naruto and I were allowed to chase him for a good four years before things got too out of hand!" Sakura yelled.

Madara was gone in a flash and Sakura felt herself get knocked backwards on the bed. The next thing she knew, Madara was staring at her straight in the face with his Sharringan activated. "You talk too much." He commented with no emotion.

"Only when provoked." She responded, equally emotionless. He was really attractive, her traitorous mind decided.

"I bet you're curious as to how I survived that final battle." He smirked.

"I'm not. You're Madara Uchiha. You're like a cockroach, impossible to kill." Sakura rolled her eyes. "I can't believe they presumed you dead."

"Me neither, but these last few months have been rather peaceful. I've been going to hot springs and festivals, it was a nice change of scenery from the usual bloodstained battlefield."

"You sound awfully relaxed considering the number of people you killed." Sakura spat.

"I guess Itachi's personality rubbed off on me. Or maybe playing the Tobi character really did affect me." Madara sighed.

"Maybe you're just an idiot." Sakura smirked.

With a new rage, Madara pinned her wrists and snarled, "What makes you so much better than me? What makes you think that you are any better than I am? You've killed before, you're a ninja. You've left families without fathers or mothers. Don't even for a second believe that you haven't contributed to this hell we call the ninja world."

Sakura tried to wrench her hands free, but since she was out of chakra, he far outclassed her strength. He smirked sadistically as he remained above her. He nudged her legs apart and settled in between. "Get off!" She yelled as she twisted and writhed.

"Do you have any idea the things I could do to you? You shouldn't have told me that you were out of chakra." Madara crouched down and licked her ear, "There is one thing I haven't done in this body, yet."

"Don't you dare! Get off!" Sakura tried to knee him, but she was completely pinned down. "What the hell do you want?" Sakura frowned, hate in her eyes.

"I want you to shut up and listen." Madara stared into her eyes blandly.

"Fine." She turned her head to the side, having no idea that her act of defiance merely exposed more of her neck.

"First of all, I'm abducting you. Not because you're gorgeous or something that you read in those dreadful _Icha Icha_ books. I'm abducting you for your medic skills. Period." Madara said flatly before adding, "Though if you disobey me, I have a number of methods to deal with you without physically harming you.

"Another thing, I don't want anyone to know I'm still alive, so you'll have to take some time off. I want you to write a letter to the Godaime and send it with a summoning. Tell her anything you have to, just get a few months off." Madara smirked at her expression of mortification. She opened her mouth to protest, but the spinning of Madara's Sharringan shut her up. "Remember, baby, I have the advantage." He smirked, a characteristic every Uchiha seemed to possess. Sakura took this opportunity to lift up with her hips, surprising Madara and throwing him off guard. She managed to pull her right leg from his grip and knee him. He collapsed and Sakura pushed him off of her and ran out of the room. She used what little chakra she had to try to find Sasuke. She ran until she was found him surrounded by a pack of girls, no sign of Madara.

"Where you been?" He sounded aloof, but the irritation in his voice was present.

"I was captured…by Uchiha Madara." Sakura huffed, bending over and placing her hands on her bent knees to catch her breath.

"What?" Sasuke looked genuinely confused.

"I'll explain later. Let's just get out of here." Sakura looked around and only saw the faces of all those stupid girls. Sakura rolled her eyes, "You playboy." She pushed some of the girls out of the way, clearing a path for Sasuke to follow.

"They're vicious." Sasuke shuddered.

"They're fangirls." Sakura groaned. "But, we need to get out of here." She told him.

"Okay, where to?" Sasuke asked.

"Thrice damned man, pinning me to the bed and telling me what to do! Threatening me with the Sharringan! That was so damn irritating!" Sakura ignored him and muttered as she began walking at a breakneck pace.

"What." Sasuke looked a little pissed off.

"Pinned me to a bed and threatened me with the Sharringan." Sakura deadpanned.

"Damn that old man!" Sasuke cursed.

"See, that's another thing. He's not old anymore, he found some sort of jutsu that actually _made_ him younger." Sakura explained, "He was pretty hot actually."

Sasuke was livid. Technically, he felt that Sakura was his no matter how much she resisted him. So to Sasuke, Madara was tampering with his goods. And to make it worse, she'd called him 'hot'. This could not be stood for. Sasuke picked her up suddenly, causing Sakura to squeak in surprise. Sasuke threw her over his shoulder and began running. She beat furiously against him, trying to escape. "Hold still."

"No! Put me down! I've been held hostage one too many times today! Put me down!" Sakura yelled.

"I will not. I'm tired of my possessions being stolen from me." Sasuke said darkly, making Sakura stop beating on him.

"Sasuke, I am not and never was your 'possession'. I got over you a while ago." Sakura said with a definite tone of aggravation. She reached with one of her hands and managed to get a hold on his short hair (short for an Uchiha, I suppose) and pulled. Sasuke was incapacitated immediately. "Put. Me. Down." Sasuke set her down on the asphalt of the small alleyway that he'd run into and she sighed. "Why do the Uchiha make my life difficult?"

"Because you are rather tempting and we are rather extraordinary." A haunting voice spoke throughout the alley. "I'm going to have to punish you for earlier."

Sakura sighed, "Only a matter of time since you showed up I suppose. Of course, Sasuke would screw up my escape because of his notion that I'm his possession, and then once I'd freed myself from that predicament, you show up! It's like the most stereotypical plot element in fanfiction! (lol)" She rubbed her forehead in irritation. "Screw it all!" She yelled into the gray heavens. "I'll go with Madara, AJ! Just cut it out with the random crap that you're writing! I figure that's what you wanted me to do anyway, listing this under MadaSaku!"

"Why would I want you?" Madara deadpanned.

"Because the author is a girl with a fetish for weird couple pairings and fluff. Get me the hell out of here!" She screamed at him.

"Wait, Sakura, you're min-" Sasuke reached toward her.

"Shut up!" Sakura knocked him on the ground with her fist and swiftly kicked him in the stomach. "You've been nothing but a pawn in this whole thing! The author just wants to abuse your character because she's still holding a grudge from when you left me on a park bench to contract pneumonia! C'mon, AJ, that was like over five hundred episodes ago! Get over it!"

"No." the brown-haired girl that worked the register in the hot spring emerged from the shadows. "It's much more fun to abuse him."

"You're the one that keeps doing this to me?" Sasuke groaned.

"That's right, bitch. You have been naught but a thorn in my side for too long!" the girl, presumably AJ, yelled at the fallen ninja. She kicked him swiftly as she mocked him, "You are nothing but my punching bag."

"Just because you're bored, AJ, doesn't mean you can do this to us." Madara sighed.

"What else am I supposed to do? I'm on my way back home from vacation. Sitting in an RV is boring without writing fanfiction." AJ cried, her green eyes spilling tears down her face. "It's not like I abuse you, Sakura. I always pair you with hot guys and prove how strong you are!"

Sakura thought for a second, "You've got a point…Do you think you could write me a KibaSaku fanfic?" she asked.

"Already on it!" AJ smiled happily as she picked up her laptop and began typing furiously, Sakura giving her suggestions.

Madara and Sasuke just looked at each other.

"She made me young, I can deal with that." Madara shrugged.

"I'm not! She's done this to me ever since she made her account! I want justice! I want revenge-" Sasuke began to yell.

"Justice and revenge isn't the same thing, stupid" Madara kicked him and turned toward the screen. "If you happen to like this little exchange, review this story. If you want to know about this KibaSaku fanfiction they're talking about, subscribe to her. Apparently it's already nine pages long and the author seems pretty excited about it. Visit her profile if you want to read her other stories. I shouldn't have to tell you this."

"Sorry, Madara honey, I didn't feel like writing an author's note!" She and Sakura turned away from the laptop and waved. "Bye, Bye from AJlovesKakashi! :3 "

"Ja ne!" Sakura smiled.

AJ set down her laptop, pushed up her glasses and moved closer to the screen, "Special thanks to Bloody Diamond for being as awesome as you are! You totally rock, my friend!"

"Help m-" Sasuke groaned.

"No!" AJ kicked him again.

:3

:3

:3


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